you didnt know i had herpes?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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