you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
