I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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