if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I think a kid would responsible me up
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
