I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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