I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
