3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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