i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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