Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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