Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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