how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
