Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
