We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
