I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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