i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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