i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
