Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
