So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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