Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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