no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Mom said you looked used
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
