I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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