I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
