Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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