Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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