I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Ladies don't puke and tell
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
