I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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