I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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