mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
