I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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