Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
