As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
