I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
