It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
