i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
