When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
