Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
