i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
