I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
