It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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