Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
