Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
