i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Randomize
