Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
