4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
