Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
