she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
