My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
