evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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