My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
