your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
