Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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